☆ without love it cannot be seen ☆

 i got outside today for the first time in a month; like, really outside. not the halfhearted "walk up and down the length of my backyard" sort of outside-- i am actually perched in a tree writing this, it is probably twenty-five feet from the ground where i am. it's like summer outside which made the prospect of running around outside very very desirable but the best thing is, i woke up with a stomachache/migraine killer combo and now being here, outside, where the wind is and where the birds are, i have pretty much forgotten about that. i could probably live in this tree. i think i might actually try to live in this tree. (except it's on a property that is empty and owned by the mansion next door, so technically i can't.) they should just let us buy this place, it's small enough, and we use it much more than THEY do.
i scraped up my knees and elbows a little getting up here but that's the good kind of outdoor-related injuries. i feel like a kid again. scabby knees and rough elbows and callused fingers.
i don't know how long this will last but i'm happy here even if i'm only pretending to be a mythical tree youkai to get away from the earthly human things that are bothering me. i am aware of my presence in my own life.

 so i'm not sure if you guys even WANT an example of my typing when i'm half asleep/suffering from a migraine but i shall give you one.



...yeah.

anyway as i have expressed in the above tweet, on march 30th i thought more about yasu and decided that talking about them was more important than getting some rest and ridding myself of a throbbing migraine. so this is a post to clear up and elaborate on what i was saying because it is kind of important to me i guess??

i feel like battler talking to yasu (as shannon) six years ago was... different. he understood when he came back to rokkenjima that shannon was not quite the same. before yasu created kanon, before what i call the "shkanon split" there were both the sharp edges and the subdued and kind parts in yasu who took shannon's appearance before battler. i think he understood that, and coming back to rokkenjima something seemed off with shannon, like... she was missing her sharp edges (yasu's sharp edges) and had been completely subdued thus far.
which is why battler was drawn to kanon from the start? he felt the need to protect him from the beginning, and had this kind of sudden intense reaction to kanon being there. i'm pretty sure it was an unconscious feeling but somehow battler must have recognized these volatile, resentful parts of the old shannon in kanon, and that's why he became so sympathetic with kanon in ep1 (and most of the other eps after that.)
each of yasu's personas are a different side of them: shannon is kind, gracious and humble; kanon is resentful, quiet and full of self-loathing; beatrice is imaginative, cruel, sensitive and a creator of worlds. i think battler recognizes this in all three personas, somehow, in some way or another, since all of these were in the "shannon" that battler met, the "shannon" that battler promised to carry away on a white horse and the "shannon" that waited six years for him.

on another note:




...yeah.

 i haven't felt like such a piece of shit in a really long time, since i got on some new meds and they've been making me feel a little less sad all the time, but yesterday was such a shit day i feel like i've done something terrible and i don't know what
anyway animal crossing

( can i live in this stupid game )

 yesterday keltena, outstretched and i made it to a Vienna Teng concert at Highline Ballroom! we were up in the balcony stage right? (left for the stage but?????? huh) and i can't help but keep bringing up the fact that this was my first concert ever (yes ever) and i am so glad i waited so long, because i don't know what i would do if my first concert experience was a band i liked in fifth grade or something. either way, Vienna was phenomenal live, even better in person, and Alex Wong opened for her-- all three of us were surprised at how great he was as well. i will definitely have to get his albums as well.
at around the fifth song in the set Vienna said something along the lines of "well every so often in this set script it says 'Vienna does something solo' and I don't know what that means so I'm taking requests" and sort of involuntarily i shouted out "RECESSIONAL" really loudly and she looked up at us in the balcony and said "someone said recessional so I'll do that" or something like that. my heart must have exploded i don't know, it was one of those crazy experiences for me... sits down
"copenhagen" (aka CUPenhagen) was also really perfect, everyone was just playing with Actual Cups during the song-- both Alex and Jordan sitting down and using one of the amps as a table to play in rhythm, and then by the last chorus Vienna scurrying from the piano to join in. they are such sweet and hilarious and sincere people and performers. i mean who else do you know that would give up their piano in the middle of a concert to hit cups and sing in a cappella harmonies... just talented dorks with plastic cups. really.
there were also some really wonderful audience participation songs. i never really knew the crystal sounds in "the breaking light" were played on wine glasses, and it felt really warm and open and soothing to be singing with everyone else as well. also Vienna's encore was hilarious, and the audience had a great time keeping the beat and heckling a LOT. classic new york audience really.
there were parts of the concert where i lost my breath laughing, and other parts when i lost my breath crying, and still other parts where i lost my breath at the energy and beauty of the songs ("in the 99", for example, Alex Wong's percussion right before the second verse knocked the wind out of me) so generally yes, it was an experience i won't forget. hanging out with Josh and Soni and seeing this all happen with them was amazing, and i have to thank Josh so much for inviting me for THEIR birthday. seriously it means so much to me and i don't know what i would have done if they hadn't introduced me to Vienna in the FIRST place.
thank you so much guys! personal rambling is usually not what this DW is for but i had to sort of. get this out somewhere!

i have recently been thinking harder about ftm!armin, and while talking to myself about him the other day in english class i ended up doing a little free poem thing... i'll add more observations about my headcanons for him when i have more time. this won't be going on ao3 since i'm not sure if putting poetry up there would be a great idea, and i was looking for a place to put this.
( breathing is an act of courage )

 so i've finally gotten around to starting up a dreamwidth, which i've been meaning to do for quite a while to be honest... i have wanted a place to put my thoughts and rambles especially about fictional characters, and maybe post fanfiction up here before it goes on AO3 (right here!) just for sorting it out, making it less messy, etc. i also talk about vocaloid and utaite a lot, and you'll probably see me ranting about music and producers and other wonderful (read: dorky) things. i'm thinking about including drawings here, but i don't think that's something i'll be doing right now, since art isn't one of my strong suits. otherwise, um... i'm unhappyrefrain at tumblr and kandoreduction on twitter!! i've been around there much longer so...! since i don't usually post thinking/meta/writing there (if at all) i'll use this for my silly rants.