lightlag: The little prince in a glass dome, reaching for a rose in another glass dome (Default)
 i got outside today for the first time in a month; like, really outside. not the halfhearted "walk up and down the length of my backyard" sort of outside-- i am actually perched in a tree writing this, it is probably twenty-five feet from the ground where i am. it's like summer outside which made the prospect of running around outside very very desirable but the best thing is, i woke up with a stomachache/migraine killer combo and now being here, outside, where the wind is and where the birds are, i have pretty much forgotten about that. i could probably live in this tree. i think i might actually try to live in this tree. (except it's on a property that is empty and owned by the mansion next door, so technically i can't.) they should just let us buy this place, it's small enough, and we use it much more than THEY do.
i scraped up my knees and elbows a little getting up here but that's the good kind of outdoor-related injuries. i feel like a kid again. scabby knees and rough elbows and callused fingers.
i don't know how long this will last but i'm happy here even if i'm only pretending to be a mythical tree youkai to get away from the earthly human things that are bothering me. i am aware of my presence in my own life.
lightlag: The little prince in a glass dome, reaching for a rose in another glass dome (Default)
 so yes [personal profile] keltena and i are going to prom

a screenshot of an avatar from FE:A, with forged and renamed weapons spelling out "Gray, will you go to prom with me?"

and i ended up getting my tuxedo today!!!! i don't think i have ever been so confident in my queer masculinity in MY LIFE. it was kind of a "whoa you clean up nice" moment for me, although collars???? collars are so hard to deal with. and i haven't gotten the pants hemmed yet, which was a problem when i came downstairs and ended up dragging the bottom of the pants everywhere ahaha....ha. 
here are some awful gratuitous selfies for you










i am planning on getting a really adorable femme-y bowtie to go with it. preferably a floral pattern. because fuck gender.

if any other nb or butch people are looking for a tux as well, i'd recommend tuxforher. it is kind of expensive though but they fit so well and don't make me feel bad about my body or w/e.

that's basically it for now, i've been thinking about fire emblem more so maybe i'll talk about that next time i update!!!

lightlag: The little prince in a glass dome, reaching for a rose in another glass dome (Default)
do you ever wonder if your body is just a shell where you keep your soul or whatever and then get upset because you feel like your body is a terrible vessel what with its broken brain and stuff, or the crippling gender dysphoria you have to deal with all the time, and think that your real soul should have picked a better body because you're sure as hell that your soul doesn't deserve to have such a shitty vessel?

i want to be everywhere and nowhere at once, like a concept or a feeling, but what would i even be, to other people if i didn't have an existent body

this is the constant dilemma and i am pretty sure daily existential crises should not be a fucking thing
lightlag: The little prince in a glass dome, reaching for a rose in another glass dome (Default)
 i haven't felt like such a piece of shit in a really long time, since i got on some new meds and they've been making me feel a little less sad all the time, but yesterday was such a shit day i feel like i've done something terrible and i don't know what
anyway animal crossing

can i live in this stupid game )
lightlag: The little prince in a glass dome, reaching for a rose in another glass dome (Default)
 yesterday [personal profile] keltena[personal profile] outstretched and i made it to a Vienna Teng concert at Highline Ballroom! we were up in the balcony stage right? (left for the stage but?????? huh) and i can't help but keep bringing up the fact that this was my first concert ever (yes ever) and i am so glad i waited so long, because i don't know what i would do if my first concert experience was a band i liked in fifth grade or something. either way, Vienna was phenomenal live, even better in person, and Alex Wong opened for her-- all three of us were surprised at how great he was as well. i will definitely have to get his albums as well.
at around the fifth song in the set Vienna said something along the lines of "well every so often in this set script it says 'Vienna does something solo' and I don't know what that means so I'm taking requests" and sort of involuntarily i shouted out "RECESSIONAL" really loudly and she looked up at us in the balcony and said "someone said recessional so I'll do that" or something like that. my heart must have exploded i don't know, it was one of those crazy experiences for me... sits down
"copenhagen" (aka CUPenhagen) was also really perfect, everyone was just playing with Actual Cups during the song-- both Alex and Jordan sitting down and using one of the amps as a table to play in rhythm, and then by the last chorus Vienna scurrying from the piano to join in. they are such sweet and hilarious and sincere people and performers. i mean who else do you know that would give up their piano in the middle of a concert to hit cups and sing in a cappella harmonies... just talented dorks with plastic cups. really.
there were also some really wonderful audience participation songs. i never really knew the crystal sounds in "the breaking light" were played on wine glasses, and it felt really warm and open and soothing to be singing with everyone else as well. also Vienna's encore was hilarious, and the audience had a great time keeping the beat and heckling a LOT. classic new york audience really.
there were parts of the concert where i lost my breath laughing, and other parts when i lost my breath crying, and still other parts where i lost my breath at the energy and beauty of the songs ("in the 99", for example, Alex Wong's percussion right before the second verse knocked the wind out of me) so generally yes, it was an experience i won't forget. hanging out with Josh and Soni and seeing this all happen with them was amazing, and i have to thank Josh so much for inviting me for THEIR birthday. seriously it means so much to me and i don't know what i would have done if they hadn't introduced me to Vienna in the FIRST place.
thank you so much guys! personal rambling is usually not what this DW is for but i had to sort of. get this out somewhere!

lightlag: The little prince in a glass dome, reaching for a rose in another glass dome (Default)
 stress stressssss strEssssssss. i thought senior year was supposed to be laid back but as far as my experience goes it's been way too busy for my liking. at least i've overcome a silly writing block i had for a while... i think getting into new things has helped me be more inspired, although i still freak out about uploading snk things to ao3.... everyone there is so talented uuuuwah. 
on the other hand i will be going with[personal profile] keltena to a vienna teng concert for their birthday! which will be my First Concert Ever!!!! please don't ask me how i've managed to never see a live show in my seventeen years of life. i just manage to do silly things. either way i'm quite excited! spins and does a little dance.
on the topic of music i've also been listening to a lot of whoo's music. it has a sort of autumn-cool clearness to it, it's really relaxing and beautiful! it's sort of like the light at five or six in the afternoon in fall right before the sun sets! very absorbing and lucid and flowing.
maybe some metas when i finish my projects and clear schoolwork this week... i want to update this cute thing more!